Work in Progress, Pt.4: Getting to know ME.

*I am listening to Tems EP- If Orange Was A Place while writing this. Absolute PERFECTION.*

Let’s jump right in, shall we?

So, let’s just say you got the opportunity to wipe your slate clean and start over again, from where you are right now in life…. All of those things that just popped into your head that you would change, you should think about what caused you to believe that what you’re thinking about wasn’t meant for your life. What made you get to a place of wanting to change that part of you? Take a moment… Dig deep and find where that trauma lies!

The person I thought I was, I learned was a front. a mask. It was all of the hurt and pain I carried around. I was running from change because the trauma I’d experienced felt so comfortable. I was constantly fighting these never-ending battles with not only myself but, others and all that was doing was slowly killing me inside. My therapist described what I was doing to myself as if I was pouring cement into a hole (that hole being me… whew.) to suppress my emotions and feelings because I didn’t feel what I was going through/went through was valid. I wish I could remember what she said to me word for word 😖 I want to share something with you all that my therapist gave me that helped me start to put meaning behind my self-healing. Part of getting to know me has been learning when to leave situations alone. I’ve talked about how I have a hard time walking away from someone or something and that’s been one of my biggest downfalls in life so far. One session, my therapist handed me a sheet of paper that was titled, “The Hole. An Autobiography In Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson.” (Don’t worry, I am going to insert it for you all, give me a moment) I was in such a vulnerable spot at the time because it just felt as if my world was plummeting and nothing I was doing could stop it. I was in my phase of thinking that being here wasn't suitable for me anymore. Every day was miserable. I couldn't seem to shake this funk I was in. I would walk into therapy weekly crying until one morning when I read this short story.

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open; I know where I am;
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Sheesh. My first time reading that I was so confused. What in the hell is this? How is this supposed to HELP ME!!! My therapist asks me, “So, what chapter are YOU in?” Ahhhh. Okay, I see. The hardest part of getting to know me was taking accountability for some of the things I caused. We all have experienced our own forms of trauma, correct? I know a lot of you will be able to relate to me when I say it just doesn't make sense why I always feel like things are constantly MY FAULT. Transparency moment getting ready to happen here. Can I just say I am extremely grateful for the way my relationship with my mom has evolved? I love that my mom was right by my side throughout this journey. Chandra is the realest MVP!! IYKYK! Going to therapy helped me realize that some of the burdens I was holding onto weren’t mine. For instance, it took me having a conversation with my mom one evening and us being open and honest with each other about what I’ve been dealing with and her telling me how some of the things I deal with now, were caused by situations that weren’t in my control in the past. The issues you thought you caused as a child, you didn’t okay. It’s fine to let that go. It’s not yours to hold onto. Do you know how hard that conversation was between my mom and me? It was extremely eye-opening for both of us and has in my opinion, made our relationship the purest it's ever been. Having hard conversations like that has been an intricate part of my process because how can I get to know who I really am when I’m carrying around all of this hurt and pain that wasn’t meant for me? So like I said, accountability, right? When I got to the point that I was able to decipher what I caused vs. feelings and emotions that were placed on me by others, this story started to make sense. (this came through doing some inner child healing too, I need to start working on that story NOW)

My interpretation of what The Hole meant to me and how it helped me is what you’re asking?

Yeah, that “I am lost… I am helpless” broke me the first time I read it. That’s exactly how I was feeling. I brought up the word Accountability because that’s what jumped out at me when I continued to read this. Life is going to always have its ups and downs, we know that. We’ve been shown that. Here’s a little excerpt from a journal entry of mine after reading this short story on my own time, yes during one of my moments: “How are you going to make sure you always end up in a better place than where you were? How can you expect change when you’re repeating the same things over and over? You keep falling into that same hole, time after time, no matter what. Why? You know it's no good for you. I don’t know how you ever think things will be different if you just continue to let yourself repeat the same patterns.” I was spot on too. From this point on, I will be referencing the chapters from the story, just so you’re following along. ☺️There were some situations (holes) in my life where I was stuck in Chapter 2. Let me just add that I was subconsciously “falling into the same hole” because, before therapy, I didn’t KNOW these were HOLES. I would constantly find myself asking, “Why does this keep happening to me?”, “Why won’t this situation change for once?”, “Why do I always end up hurt?” I was caught up in games of manipulation and dealing with hurt people to the point that I felt that’s the way life was meant for me to live. I experienced being heartbroken in so many ways in such a short amount of time. Is this how I want to live? Is this who Jourdan is meant to be? There was no way lol. The confidence I have in myself now would be completely foreign to myself 7–8 months ago. Now, like I always say, none of this was easy. I was jumping back and forth from Chapters 3 and 4 for the longest. I was at a crossroads. I was battling the fact that I now know I need to let some things go because one, it wasn’t for me to hold onto, and two, I was never going to grow while still being trapped in this hole. Then on the flip side, I was stuck being comfortable in the chaos that trauma brings along because it’s what I’ve always known. So, how did I win that battle? I took a leap of faith, I promise. God, I was so scared because I was looking at something new in the face for the first time. I’m getting really emotional while typing this. This is actually my first time voicing to someone other than my therapist, this part of me. Letting go was so painful. If you want to know how this was for me, go read my piece on Grieving 🤍 I had to stop letting people pour cement on me. I had to stop pouring cement on myself. I had to learn to stop being so negative. I needed to find myself for the first time. I had to push myself to believe I was capable of walking down another street and experiencing something DIFFERENT. I needed to start pouring love into myself.

Let’s talk about it. It’s easier for me to tell you what I did to overcome my past and walk into a new chapter of my life. First, I am less than 3 weeks away from starting my Medical Assisting Program through Kaiser Permanente, secondly, I have found a job that works perfectly with my school schedule, allowing me to not only be able to take care of myself and my bills I’m tired of adulting. Something always needs to be paid. ALWAYS. while in school. LAST BUT NOT LEAST! I officially had my last weekly therapy session this week! That is HUGE! One of the reasons I know I am on the right path of finding myself is by this change right here. I started therapy literally saying I’m here because I want to find myself before it's too late. I am forever grateful for making that decision because where would I be???? Now, those aren’t the steps I’ve taken but, the result of the work I’ve put in. I haven’t talked about my physical journey in this post, and let me just speak on that quickly. For me, I was at the point where I needed to take care of my mind before ANYTHING else. You’d be surprised at how much of your physical health is connected to your mental health. No, I didn’t spend hours in the gym, I didn’t have this crazy-ass weight gain diet or go through a bunch of skincare stuff to fix my skin. I tried to be like that though. I was too down bad to do all of that consistently 😭 I did what I could every once in a while to try and expedite the process 😂 aside from the basics of taking care of myself physically which even in itself, was hard. That’s not talked about enough in the topic of depression! Taking of yourself becomes almost feels IMPOSSIBLE somedays. Celebrate those moments when push yourself to do what you think you can’t. It will help. Those things included: self-care days, drinking protein smoothies, attempting to work out, going for walks, eating a little more when I could, etc… All of that couldn’t happen though if I didn’t have the push and mental strength to do them. I had to re-train my brain when it came to how I took on life day in and day out. I‘ve had to take more risks to figure out what I am capable of doing. I had to start making decisions for myself that determined the type of person I want to become. I couldn’t allow myself to constantly be okay with who others portrayed me to be. The person others wanted me to believe I was, could no longer exist. I had to walk down another street. Finally.

Writing this made me think of a couple of tweets I posted on my IG story earlier this week and I feel like they’re a perfect way to end this post. I’ll be honest, I wrote this while in a very anxious state. I’m not sure what’s been having me feel like this but, letting this out just now helped. @/ehimeora on Twitter said, “Don’t swear that you will never love again after heartbreak. Instead, do everything with love. Heartbreak can leave a feeling of emptiness. But the positive is, you will now have the chance to intentionally fill your heart with what truly feels good. Do everything with love. That’s the only remedy.” I hope you enjoyed tonight’s post, sorry for the late-night feels. 🤓