Work in Progress, Pt. 2: Grieving.
“Grief is the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed.” Okay, they’re still alive so why do I feel the same way I do when someone does transition? You know, I’m honestly pissed. Why didn’t anyone think that letting us know on graduation day, “Hey, you’re going to deal with a bunch of shit in your 20s, good and bad, just a heads up” would be…appropriate? Think about it this way, why at H.S. Graduations do they have someone that’s basically in the same place as everyone else speak about “starting that next chapter”? Why not someone who’s been (generally speaking) where the graduates are headed to give them something realistic to look forward to because??? WTF IS THIS? *inserts that TikTok that goes ‘I need a to-go plate cause I don’t feel comfortable eating here’*(Sidenote: High School was a waste of time. How is the Pythagorean Therom ever going to help me get through depression? Learning that was useless and I said what I said.) Where are the movies on this kind of life? Lmao, there’s my little intro on how I am feeling like writing today.
Here’s something worth taking note of: I’m the happiest, today, that I have been in a while. It’s crazy how I feel this good and decide to write about the very topic I’ve had the hardest time coping with. We call this: Growth.
This is nothing like I expected my 20s to be so far. Y’all. Losing people now hits different. I legit feel like I have been in mourning for months. Nothing fun about it. I can name so many things and people. If anyone who I’ve had to part ways from finds their way to stumble on this, I just want you to know that in the weirdest way, I am grateful for the way you came and went. In time, the truth always finds its way to reveal itself. You’ll see at the end if you decide to keep reading. Praying for your healing. 🤍 Much needed. Now that the formalities are out the way, let’s get back into it. So last night, I told you guys how I love hard. Everyone reading this right now probably knows the hurt you feel when you lose someone you know you’ll never see again. It’ll be 7 years next month and it never gets easier knowing I’ll never see Meech again. So let’s create a timeline real quick for reference. If I have any Psych or Soc Majors reading this correct me if I’m wrong. If trauma isn’t properly dealt with… Let me explain in the way I can the best. I tried to go to therapy after that tragedy but unfortunately, the variety of therapists was very limited. I was never able to connect with that person enough to open up about the thoughts that crossed my mind at 15 years old, who is seeing family and classmates her age around her, losing their lives. That was just one of the many things that crossed my mind, poor girl. Fast forward, 7 years later and I am now grieving the loss of individuals who are still out there breathing and living. To me, that meant there was a chance. 0/10 recommend thinking like that. If the situation is d*ad, let it go. Yes, we are trigger warning friendly here. Always have grace. It’s 3:33! I’ve been catching angel numbers all day. DIGRESS. That saying that is so popular today, “If they want to, they will” is 100% true. Don’t ever let someone make you feel as if you aren’t worth what you are asking for. That is your sign to let it go. Period. (Go ‘head and take your own advice lmao)
I want to touch on what I meant by, “You can see the person they could once become but again, it’s YOU seeing it. Unless they want to change, there’s nothing you can do.” (If you didn’t read part 1, go back and read it) This might be the hardest part of grieving. Seeing someone’s potential and losing them without being able to witness who they could be. Here’s to a moment of self-realization. I have a bad habit of holding people to standards I set for them vs. seeing a person for who they are. I link it to my nurturing side. Jourdan, you are nobody’s mama. 😭🥴 I had to learn the hard lesson that not everybody thinks like me but, from my understandment ma’am, having common sense isn’t hard lol. Now let me counter myself because, all I want is the people around me to be the best they can be, no matter what so, the standard is? Crazy thing, people HAD it made when it came to me. I learned in therapy that this was because of my attachment style. Daddy Issues. It makes sense right? Okay. Unfortunately, I have a hard time letting go. I hold onto every positive thing I can before finally saying enough which only hurts me more in the end. All of the chances people received from me because what, everybody makes mistakes right? How dare I ignore someone and treat them like shit. How dare I completely neglect someone’s feelings. I know how that feels so what does little Jo Cherie tell herself, “No one who I come in contact with will ever feel like that about me!!!” Babygirl started feeling like that early but, we will speak on this during my Inner Child piece. When they show you who they are the first time, believe them.
Now, if you’re here and you’re like yeah Jo, this is it. I’m about to get extremely vulnerable. Thank you in advance for reading.
On August 15th, 2021 at around 11:20 am, I was sitting in my car trying to journal because I was going through it. A lot had just went upside down for me and what I thought was going to be a step in the right direction left me feeling as if I was reverting to a place I struggled to get out of. I want to leave you guys with this excerpt from something I wrote that morning while actually physically mourning the loss of a few people I love. Yes, love because, for me, love doesn’t fade. Remember when I said I’ve cried so much? This was one of those mornings. It was like writing an obituary. I even remembered to put that I was listening to Hard to Love by H.E.R. at the time of writing this out. Whew, this is hard but, it’s necessary. Enjoy and thank you for reading again, it means more than you all know. ❤️
“I decided today is the day. I end this chapter. I stop the cycle. I don’t know what words can be said so I’m just going to let myself go. I thank you for allowing me to find myself through you. through the hurt, pain, frustration, you guided me to this point that was already destined for me. you were the end of my suffering. the end of my pain. the end of this trauma that has been built up and pounded into my head as reality but all along was teaching me everything I shouldn’t be. so for that, I thank you. I can no longer be available for people who are not adequate to love me. I deserve joy. love. affection. protection. truth. loyalty. I deserve to be treated as the woman I aspire to be not who they want me to be. thank you. thank you for allowing me to see how pure my heart really is. how deep my loyalty can go so I know to guard that with my life from here on out. I now understand what I am capable of. I can confidently say that I am not like anyone else. I’ve pulled myself from places I thought were the last stop for me. I managed to walk around here with a fucking smile on my face hiding the fact that I was just by myself asking God to just hurry and take me. the pain felt as if it was never-ending and that this was my life. either I decide to deal with this or I d*e. but then, how unfair would that be to those who unlike you all, love me for who I am? and that’s how I got here, to this moment. but that’s not even the biggest part of why I’m here. I’m here because I believe that I wasn’t built like this for nothing. this shit didn’t happen to me by coincidence. I’ve always made a way out of whatever was given to me. kept telling myself I gotta push, I gotta fight. because all pain doesn’t last forever. so this is the end of my pain. this is my final hoorah. thank you. they say you can always love someone from a distance. xo Cherie”
