Why didn’t anyone warn me?
No one told me that once you start moving away from your “old self”, one of the hardest battles you’ll instantly start fighting is allowing fear and anxiety to rule your world. This is going to be quick, I promise.
I’ve taken some time away from here and honestly, I’m glad I did. If I would’ve posted the last 13 writings I have saved from different moments over these last couple of months, you all would probably think, “something is seriously wrong with her.” I guess I can say, I’ve healed from a lot of the trauma I’ve shared on here and, understand that some things you can’t put into words without giving context. Something I have no confidence in doing 😂 What I didn’t realize was that healing from one thing only leaves room for something new to come in and… do whatever. That’s scary as hell. I am pushing myself to move out of this space I once called “comfortable” because nothing was comfortable about it. Nothing was cozy about the way I was thinking, how I feeling, what I was doing. Got through that, cool. It wasn’t easy though. Healing definitely is nowhere NEAR linear. I’m here now and with everything that’s come my way, I have wanted to run. On top of that, dealing with the anxiety of life in the sense that I’m trying to see things through “a different lens 😵💫” has been leaving me overwhelmed lol. So I guess I’m just putting this out there for one, help, and two, just to let whoever happens to read this know, if you’ve felt the same way, you’re not alone.
*Random: I am one who believes transparency can sometimes benefit your healing and growth process. It takes a lot to admit to yourself that you have no clue what’s going on or I really don’t know how to handle this. Coming from someone who feels the need to constantly be a problem solver, this has been difficult. I know I have my guards up because there’s so much I’ve learned about myself in this last year. I put on a lot of armor and walls because the person I really am is the complete opposite of who I come off to be. That’s no way to live, unfortunately. Looking back, I can see how this shell has robbed me of living and experiencing life. So, for 23 (yeah, the goat’s birthday is in 18 days, it’s a national holiday, take off of work!!) I want to work on just being. Jourdan doesn’t want to be anxious anymore? AYOOOOOO!*
I hope this little read finds you all well and I hope you know you’re loved! Have a great week ❤️