warning: going on a rant.
Recently, I realized that my idea of love has been misconstrued for years. I blame it on all the unrealistic love stories I watched growing up, the belief that I deserved to have a high school sweetheart and, the stereotypes behind how you “find love”. I know. I know I’m only 22 and it’s like why are you focused so much on love? I should be focused on a trillion other things. Yeah, whatever. I just love love. Love has always been this spark of happiness for me. I try to do everything out of love. I hate that I can’t receive the same love back. Now, as someone who has shared this same rant with their therapist, I have a few clues that point me in the direction as to why I am such an overly loving person. The lack of causes you to want it more. I still have to console my younger self at times because Dad wasn’t around the way Jo Cherie would’ve loved for him to be. Don’t get me wrong, I was blessed with the best men growing up in life. I have an amazing grandfather who treats me as his babygirl, uncles, cousins, and men who aren’t even blood step in to help. I will forever be grateful for every single one of them. Unfortunately, there’s no love that can fill this void I have in my heart. No person, no relationship, no materialistic item can replace the feeling of a girl’s real first love, her father. You would think someone with daddy issues would choose to guard their heart not give it to everyone, right? Not this one. 😭😭
Adult me has been struggling a lot. I expressed to my mom the other day that I have never felt like this before. Throughout my healing journey, life has forced me to deal with the hurt that I would say I’m not always 100% ready for. Life showed me recently I have to deal with this issue because, well, it involves my heart. I for YEARS, dedicated so much time and energy towards loving others because I thought it was a give and receive thing. WRONG. I wish I could go back in time and stop a lot of things from happening simply to stop this feeling I have now about love. I posted on my story the other day of how I am truly a lover girl at heart. I have had my heart broken multiple times and still have found ways to keep loving. Most say after their first heartbreak, they go cold-hearted until they feel ready. I wish I was taught that idea cause baby 😂😂😂 I love regardless. I’ve been the type to love despite the way I’ve been treated, dumb. Y’all know I like blaming my issues on others but I’m going to take responsibility real quick. If I had the guts and the opportunity, I’d also go back in time and apologize to some of the people I tried to put in my dad’s place, unknowingly. I don’t quite know why I am sharing this but I know this to be true. As I’ve gotten older and looked back on some situations from the past, I see why things never worked out for me. Babygirl needed a father, not a boyfriend 😂 As weird as that sounds, it would make sense. Now, I’m not going to go too deep into that because it’s still a sensitive topic for me but, I feel like it’s necessary to mention it. I’ve learned that the reason I could never just be when it comes to being in a relationship is that I go into every interaction with expectations. With love, I haven’t quite gotten over the fact that I didn’t receive the love I feel I deserved. I wish I could tell you guys all the pain and hurt that this one relationship has caused me. and I also wish that this could be about someone I could forget, not someone who helped create me. It’s complete bullshit man. ***Quick off the wall comment just because the song is playing right now, Young Thug went stupid on Punk and my FAVORITE SONG ON THE ALBUM IS CONTAGIOUS.***
I have a feeling that the reason heartbreak or even losing someone that I love, hurts as much as it does and, the time it takes to get over things is much longer because I’m now consoling a 9-year-old and a 22-year-old…at the same time. That gets overwhelming to deal with. When I tell you this is definitely going down as THEE most heartbreaking year of my life lmao. Shit sucks and I’m still recovering from it. I need to be a little more vocal about that too. I might look better on the outside and yes, things have started to look up for me but, there’s still work that needs to be done. Not knocking my progress though. :) So instead of losing everyone, I settle at times. I think settling saves me from hurting but little did I know, it does nothing but break you more. Yes, I am talking about settling like Summer did on that EP. Sheesh. I hate it. When I tell you I have been trying and trying, fighting this fucking idea of loving, I really have. My heart gets me in trouble every time. I can’t help it. How do you truly walk away from it? How do I stop it from happening? When will I find myself not loving more than what’s required? hmm. What can I do to stop my heart from always getting involved? Because I am tired of being broken, feeling alone, giving and not receiving, having thoughts that I don’t deserve what I wish for… But.. Do you know what really sucks? Loving someone no matter what. Having someone who you know, without a doubt, you’ll always love is sick. Why? Well, it seems like that’s the person it pains you to love the most. I’ve had the opportunity to talk to people about love, young and old and it seems like a lot of us have a love that’s so complex, NOTHING you do can make it easier to deal with. I wish love was simple. Love shouldn’t come with any losses. Love shouldn’t hurt the way it does. So, what is love really? Or is everything I’ve ever known about love a lie? Could that be it?
“Love would have no meaning without pain”… -Unknown.
