Today’s Struggle: Wanting to Isolate.
I think I want to start doing these types of posts for when I have some things I just want to get out. If there is something I am currently dealing with and I feel that this is the way I want to deal with it, I will. 😇
Isolation (an unhealthy habit and response to depression) for me wasn’t something I intentionally wanted to happen along my journey. It honestly felt like I was forced to isolate myself. I’ve spent so much time trying to be involved in so much that it drove me to have to be alone. I could be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. It feels like everyone sees me but, no one really sees me. As long as I’m here and I look good, I must be good. NO! NO! NO! This goes back to me being everyone’s go-to. It’s allllll connected. Being alone made me finally have to face my reality. So what does Isolation look like for me? What drives me to want to isolate myself? I’m honestly writing this to myself, hoping to find some answers to lingering questions that I can’t seem to stop asking. Journal right? Good. Okay, can I first S/O my car? Whew, Max Mamba. I don’t know where I’d be without him. I’ve spent so much time sitting in my car just to stay away from people. There was a point where I really wasn’t talking to anyone because I truly felt no one cared about how I was feeling. Even when people did appear to be ‘concerned’, I always found myself battling wanting to tell them what was going on with me and just not saying anything at all. You can tell the winner of most of those battles lol. Usually, conversations just ended with me saying, “I am fine, I mean it” because one, I was too embarrassed about what had been going on with me, and two, I kept my guard up because I really truly did not think people cared that much about me. So what do I do to avoid having to have any interactions that could possibly end up in me having a breakdown? Yes. But Mobile Ordering, AirPods, MASKS and my car. I am emotionally connected to this car 4L because Max has seen me at my WORST. I mean sitting on the sidewalk of a random backroad crying my eyes out bad 😂😂😂😂 I do 90% of my journaling and meditating in my car. It’s the only place I feel I’m not being judged even though I am CONSTANTLY judging myself. Self-Deprecation piece coming soon and no one can bother me in MY CAR. This is such an unhealthy habit. Whenever I feel uncomfortable, I get sad, I’m angry, I go to my car and just drive. So not only did the state of my mental health drive me to isolate myself but so did people. Dealing with people is so exhausting. Dealing with people while you’re trying to create a new sense of living for yourself? I don’t even think there’s a word to describe how that feels. I’m in a phase of asking, “Why are these people being brought into my life only to cause damage the way they do?” I’ll be real, as of right now I can’t tell you what part of my journey this is. Hey, me from the future. As I am re-reading this before I publish it, it’s crazy how I came to a realization of where I am after typing this out. All I know is that it's bullshit. It’s chaos. On one hand, things are going well. I mentioned my accomplishments in one of my last posts and how I really was in a great place. I really was. I think I was in such a great place that I tried to forget about all that has happened to me and that’s not what I wanted. I was just so excited that things were changing that I wanted to jump the gun. Lesson Learned. I wanted to believe that things were going well. You know how people will say, “I think I’m being tested!” Yeah, well I was and I FAILED. Miserably. 😂 I stopped doing the things that were helping me manage life and got off track because I thought, “I’m not sad and depressed anymore, I don’t need to journal.” Wrong. I’m thinking to myself, “yeah, I’m good this won’t bother me” but that one thing snowballs to 86 different situations now, I’m finding myself crying in the passenger seat of my own car because I’ve let myself down once again. I’m fighting myself currently because I am not trying to fall into a complete isolation period because it’s honestly not the healthiest way for me to cope. BUT IT’S THE EASIEST! I won’t lie, I am pretty upset that I allowed myself to lose focus as quickly as I did. I don’t know what I was thinking was going to happen. I can’t allow myself to be down for too long though. Instead of calling it isolation, I think what I need to do is like a soft reset lol. I blame a lot of how I’m feeling on this full moon that’s about to happen. Full Moon in Pisces? Let’s talk about emotions! I need to take a page from my own book and stand on what I said about boundaries and allowing people access to me. Well, this was kind of all over the place, wasn’t it? I am just in a very weird and awkward space right now. Emotions are a little high, anxiety is slightly through the roof, feeling stressed and, all of that is okay. It’s normal. I have a pretty good feeling I’ll be able to shake how I am currently. It’s always a good thing to be able to recognize when I might need to reel it back in and get it together though so, love that. Alright, enough rambling. Have a good week!
