My brain is doing that weird thing where I just…

me when some of y’all texting me checking up on me lmao

Song at the beginning this time cause it’s such a vibe and I kinda want you to listen while you read and cause it’s Sunday. K thanks.

-Management

****I don’t make the rules, they do.****

It’s Julyyyyy! AH. Since July 1st, I’ve been seeing (and reposting) the “July is going to be filled with so much…” you know the ones. I honestly have been going a little overboard with it and for some… well they’re legit to me.. legit reasons. No, my mental is a legit reason, let me not downplay it.

So, if you don’t know me personally, you wouldn’t know that a little less than 2 weeks ago, I finished the educational portion of my Medical Assistant program. So, in about a week (Monday marks a week exactly!!!!!!) I will be starting clinicals and let me tell you... I am NERVOUS! BUT! This isn't the reason for the post. I mentioned that because since school has ended, I have been G O I N G through it. I’ve been doing myself a disservice by not really working through these feelings the best I know I can. I’ve been beating myself up about things, getting caught off guard by situations, and to be honest, life has been extremely uncomfortable. My best friend (I love you soooo much justinlaboy :))) ) pointed out to me that this state of ‘uncomfortableness’ is necessary for my growth. In this stage of uncertainty that I am in, my boundaries have been challenged numerous times. There’s one sign that change is on its way. There have been some major pulls at my heart. Having to go back and forth with myself about deciphering what’s right for me and what I feel could be right for me has been basura. This sense of not feeling okay within myself takes a toll on me. I’ve told y’all about me being a true lover girl and let me just say, I hate that about me (just for now, I love the way I am able to love, even when I can’t find the energy to love myself. One of my best qualities.) Besides sending a countless number of voice messages every single day to my guy friends, the only real relief I have gotten during this time has been by being outside. Out here in Cali, the weather has been beautiful and it just seems all on purpose. I don’t operate well in the heat (winter babies stand tf up) so I think mama nature knew it would’ve been all bad if I had to deal with this part of life in 100-degree weather. NO MA’AM! I’ma get a little weird here. I believe in the astrology world a little and one thing I’ve learned about my being, in the sense of being an Earth sign, this is the best way to ground myself. Whether I’m on a walk crying making a video journal or sitting on the porch at midnight, I feel relieved for a little bit when it’s just me and the wind. Thanks for letting my wandering brain do its thing. Appreciate you for reading 😂😵‍💫

Okay, I must say that I am also tired. Won’t get too much into it but I am tired of things, people, and situations to the point where I just go to sleep at any inconvenience. Just put the phone down and go to sleep. I am learning how to respect my boundaries and listen to my gut. Nobody truly knows you the way you know yourself. The more time I’ve spent alone, I didn’t realize I’m creating a better relationship with myself. I do (somewhere in here) believe that life is going to get better. I live a pretty delusional life at times so my imagination can take me places. I am working on it y’all, I promise lmao.

just a quick 🥹… It’s been a little over a year since I was diagnosed with Bi-polar 2 or if you know it as manic depression and I just want to say… I am thankful for it. I’ve learned more about myself in this last year than I have in.. about 22. (Also, my Kobe year is in 5 months and 22 days 😭😭) But yes! I am grateful! God has taken me through some battles and through them, I just know I’ve come out stronger than I started. I truly believe everything is for a reason and I can’t wait for the day I get to look back on all of the complaining and worrying I’m doing now and confirm it was needed. I may be my biggest antagonist but I am also my biggest supporter. I just have my moments and that’s called *balance*. Okay! Enough! See you guys soon! Thank you as always. ❤

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