a letter to twenty-two. 12/26.

yeah, it’s 2am (12/27) in the morning. be happy i’m doing this.

I don’t want to say what a terrible year it was because I think in the long run, i’ll be able to look back and see how vital this year was for me. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. I couldn’t wait to be able to officially put that part of my life behind me. done. gone. bye!

I learned so much about myself, about people and how truly introverted I am (I’m thinking about re-doing my Myers-Briggs Assessment because I was an ENFP. Do you know yours?). I got terrifying news all year long. I was blessed with an amazing opportunity that i’m grateful has opened so many doors for me! I loved! I lost! I was heartbroken, twice. I watched myself fade away. I fought myself. I laughed. I cried. I had a lot of sleepless nights. A lot of phone calls that left me at a loss for words because how the hell did I let it get so bad? how did I let myself fall so deep? who’s going to save me? I had to. Damn man I don’t give myself enough credit but as I’m sitting here typing this right now, wrapping up one of the most reliving birthdays i’ve ever had, I’m thinking of all I’ve went through this year alone. Somethings I’m kind of shocked happened this year. I feel like 22 was 3 years in one 😂 holy hell, (not me saying holy hell now, great) I really did it. how cliche this is going to sound but I really had some low moments where I didn’t think I was going to make it. I didn’t think I had all the strength I was constantly being reminded of, I don’t know what I was thinking. but I did what I had to do. I put in the work and yes, the results didn’t come when I wanted them to but, they were always there right when I needed it. I found myself at my point numerous times and boom, there’s relief. one of the reasons I didn’t give up. I realized it was literally a rollercoaster. so that’s why my motto is going to be about for 23. enjoy the highs. you know lows are there but that’s nothing to worry about. enjoying the highs is telling myself that it’s okay to be present in the moment. I have to get comfortable being in the moment that way I can truly be myself. she’s there though. I can feel it. my most recent school accomplishment was proof of that. proud of myself for thugging it out. I know that’s not proper but that’s really how it felt 😂

so, i’ll end with this. to twenty-two: thank you. thank you for opening my eyes to everyone I had to leave behind, situations I had to let go, fear that wasn’t created by me and trauma I am no longer being held down by. I wasn’t too pleased with the physical effect you had on me but it’s whatever. i’m going to get my body back though, I can’t keeps living like this. 😂 seriously, I’m truly thankful to be able to say I made it through one of the hardest years i’ve had. i’m hoping and praying that I will never have to go through the things i’ve gone through and that I continue to learn from them and not revert back to old ways.

The wise Hannah Montana instilled in us early in life that, “life is what you make it, so let’s make it rock”. *nothing like a good disney channel moment coming around full circle 😂* and I think that is 100% true. you wake up every morning and have a choice. you go through everyday making choices. keep your peace of mind first when choosing how to go about your life. with this new year, this new beginning for myself, i’m going to hold myself to choosing me before anything else. how can I ever expect someone to choose me when I can’t even say I’ve chosen myself?